Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
