I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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