Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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