Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
