Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
