The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
