WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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