She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
