I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
