apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
