dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
