I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
