Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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