I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
