i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
