Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
