Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
