Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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