if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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