M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
