I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want to fling myself into the sun
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
