she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
