I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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