cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
