Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
