So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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