the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
