I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
