I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Welp...herpes.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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