good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
