sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
