I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
