I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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