I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
