I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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