By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
