I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
this is an emotional support booty call
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
