I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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