can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
