dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
