And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
