My pussy is not your playground.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
