Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
