i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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