The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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