my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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