I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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