Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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