I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
