You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
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Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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