omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
