After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
