There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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