i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
