meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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