this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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