i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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