[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
