my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
