Don't make out with my wife yet
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
