I feel like abortions should bother me more
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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