before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
